That's mighty neighborly of You...

(sorry this is so long...go get a snack and a flair gun and send one up if you get lost)

Well its official. I live in a complex full of Asshats. I have officially pissed off two neighbors by merely smiling and asking politely for a few common courtesy things, and one for smiling and apologizing profusely for something that really wasn't even an offense worthy an apology.

First, there was the lovely young lady who was walking her adorable schnauzer in the grass directly beside my front door. A beautiful black girl in her mid twenties, dressed for a trip to the gym perhaps but looking cute and sweet and chatting on her cell phone. In hindsight, I should have paid attention to the fact that she was wearing more make up than Mimi on the Drew Carey Show (and the same color eye shadow at that) and that the tone she was using in her conversation was a bit on the snide end of the spectrum. Now, from day one the grass in this area has been completely covered in shit. People all over the complex do not pick up after their animals, and this stretch of lawn right by my front door and along the fence by my patio is the worst. The hot sun bakes it into a lovely festering pile of stink about mid afternoon, and it makes sitting on the patio unbearable and the simple act of walking from my car to my front door a nostril burning experience in noxious fumes.

So I smile at her and say "excuse me" and she puts her caller on hold and gives me a "wtf do you want" look. I should have just smiled and said "I love your dog, can I pet her?" but no, I ignored the warning signs flashing beneath that bright blue hooker paint and plodded right along.

Me: (smiling sweetly, and looking appropriately embarrassed and trying to appear as though I felt bad for even asking:)
"I would really appreciate it if you would please pick up after your dog when she goes over here. I have to walk my 2 year old past all these piles of dog poop and it's kinda gross."
Her: (one painted eyebrow cocked a la Scarlett O'Whore-a) "She never goes over here, she always goes back over there" (points vaguely West)

Me: (sensing an epic conflict on the sunset-colored horizons of this plantation, I decide to concede)"OH! Ok, well, thanks. I'm just asking all dog walkers I see over here to pick up after their pets, so, that's cool if she never goes here, then no worries. Thanks again!" (I smile)

She gives me one of those fake grimace-like smiles that means "great, now get the bleep out of my face you bleepity bleep bleep bleeeeeeeeeeeep" and I walk on, sure I have only narrowly missed a Springer-esque moment.

First encounter with neighbors: me: zilch, bitchy stripper chick: one.

But never fear! The next opportunity I had to meet my fellow tenants was not far away! We have assigned parking here, sort of. Each apartment is assigned one covered parking spot. Our assigned spot has been occupied by a vehicle that has NEVER moved since the day we got here, and we don't really care that much because it is next to a wall which makes it literally impossible to exit our car when parked there. I would have to climb out through the passenger side to get out, assuming no car is parked in the adjacent spot, in which case I would be trapped until I lost enough weight to slide through a 4 inch opening. So we watched to see which spots are typically vacant and parked there. We got a few notes under our wipers stating that this or that spot were assigned and we have not parked in any of those since. But we found one that was apparently available and used it for several days in a row.

These spots are pretty narrow, and I am admittedly TERRIBLE at parking my car since it is one of those luxury sedans with an oddly short front end that slopes steeply down, so it is deceptive when it comes to judging how close one is to an object. But I take my time and do my best. One night I came home pretty late, and I was very tired and I parked a little crooked. Mind you I was INSIDE the lines by a good three or four inches, but yes, it was crooked, technically.

So I come out to my car the next day and find a balding middle aged fat man contemplating my car, mouth agape in codfish-style. I think to myself: "Uh oh! I'm in his spot! I will apologize and never park there again!"

Me: (smiling) I'm so sorry am I in your spot? I will move.
Him: (thick accent, maybe Armenian? Sounds a lot like the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld) This is you?
Me: Yes, I'm so sorry we don't exactly have...
Him: (interrupting) Look how you park.
Me: Oh! wow! I am crooked! I'm sorry (still smiling apologetically) I have trouble parking...
Him: (interrupting again) Which apartment you live?
Me: Um. wow. I don't really feel comfortable telling you..
Him: Because you no live here!
Me: I beg your pardon? I most certainly...
Him: NO! (yelling) You no have sticker! I call management and they tow you car!
Me: Well we just moved in and I haven't gotten around to...
Him: NO! YOU NO LIVE HERE! I CALL AND HAVE YOU TOWED!

Sadly, this continued to escalate with him yelling ever more ferociously and me too flabbergasted to respond appropriately for at least 3 solid minutes while I try to smile sweetly and pacify and explain. I finally realized he was just an abusive asshole and I was letting him ream me for no good reason and I let my inner Better-Than-You Bitch come out to play. She so rarely gets a good airing.

The conversation deteriorated pretty quickly from that point as you can imagine, and apparently he wants to have intimate relations with my mother. I couldn't resist telling him I was surprised he had had the pleasure of meeting my mother, and despite her being a lovely woman I didn't think she would be interested in HIM...I seem to recall perhaps a below the belt attack on my part in reference to his foreign status here as well, and maybe a comment on the state of his waist size...I dunno, I get a little crazy when people talk about having sex with my Momma and ask where I live in a menacing way.

Me: still nada, Friendly Neighbors: 2

Now, after that kind of welcoming committee duo, I suppose I should have seen the next few things coming. The car was broken into and the company laptop stolen. (Thanks a million 24 hour Front Gate Security Desk!) Then the same bright security officers managed to return a UPS package the day AFTER it was delivered, claiming it had been there more than 10 days. Normally not a big deal, except I had paid good money to overnight my head shot prints for a big audition that weekend and had no other options at that point.

At this point, I believe the score is Me: aught, Them: 4

Which brings me to today's visit to the pool. The Fairy Princess and I have been almost daily visitors to the pool since it got warm enough to shiver in. There is a posted sign at the big pool by the office that prohibits kids under 13 from being there without an adult. At the little pool by our unit, the sign only says "should not" but the message is clear, and to me, it is common sense. Kids should be supervised at a public pool. And more importantly, I don't want to be responsible for watching your child when I do not know you. If something happens to your kid, and I am the only adult around, that makes me liable for his safety. Excuuuuuuse me for not wanting to deal with THAT can of worms.

So a cute little kid comes into the pool area and I ask him how old he is. He is ten. I tell him I'm sorry but you need to have a parent or someone with you to be here. That's the rule. He leaves and 2 minutes later here comes Asshat Daddy.

Him: Is there a problem with my kid swimming at the pool?
Me: (smiling apologetically) No, not at all! I just told him he needs a parent here since he is under 13.
Him: blah blah blah
Me: Well, I'm really sorry but if he is here alone that makes ME the liable adult responsible for him and I'm not comfortable with that. It is illegal for a kid his age to be unsupervised at the pool.
Him: Who ARE you?
Me: (still optimistic, because I am an idiot) I'm Cortney. Nice to meet you.
Him: And how long have you lived here? Do you even live here?
Me: (at least he didn't ask me WHERE I live) We've been here about a month.
Him: Well we have lived here for 2 years and...blah blah blah (apparently he has been letting his kid swim alone since he was 8. And the father of the year award goes to...)

He mentioned something about his office window is right there, blahbity blah...and I just smiled and repeated that it is against the rules for his kid to be there without him, that I don't want to be the adult responsible for HIS kid if anything happens, and that I really am very s...

Him: (waving me silent) How long are you gonna be at the pool?
Me: (acquiescing) Not long. 30 minutes, maybe.
Him: Good.

He leaves, comes back in his undershirt with his kid and his smokes and tells me as he walks past "You sure are gonna have a lot of friends here."

Again, I am speechless by how rude and just plain mean people can be to perfect strangers. I mean, for all he knows, my young son was killed in a tragic swimming accident or something. Or MAYBE I'm just covering my ass and FOLLOWING THE DAMN RULES!?

This really got to me. I know I should just shake this kind of thing off, but the truth is I had envisioned making new friends and meeting new people at this new location. I hoped to have people that would stop by for a beer or offer to watch Gwen for an hour while I ran to the gym. Or even better, maybe a girlfriend who would like to go to the gym with me! I hear that some people actually make friends in new places. I, apparently inspire rancor and deserve to literally be shat upon.

At one point he says: "I have to run in to use the restroom don't call the cops on me."

So I stay just long enough to not create a scene with my toddler who is used to swimming at least an hour, then right before we leave I approach him and deliver the following acceptance speech that I didn't even have prepared:

"You are right. People have been so very warm and welcoming here. There was the lovely young lady who resented being asked to pick up after her dog when it shits beside my front door. Then there was the kind old man that cussed me out for parking crookedly, despite my repeated efforts to apologize. Our car has been broken into. An important overnight delivery was carelessly handled by the gate guards. And now you are rude and inconsiderate by disregarding the rules that are put there for YOUR child's safety and MY legal protection. I sure am glad I moved here!"

He then explained that he could see the pool from his office window and that he knew the people that lived near the pool and everyone lends a hand to watch out for the kids...yada yada yada...he was a former military rescue swimmer...blah blah blah...he studied law, so when people start throwing around the word "illegal" wank wank wank...and he apologized, eventually, after about 18 excuses as to why he was an asshole to me, none of which were along the lines of "wow, I really overreacted like an asshole."

I told him that if he could in fact see the pool from his window that I was fine with that, and it seemed reasonable, and I didn't feel like it was an imposition upon me in that case. I assured him I didn't mean to be a bitch, that I was just trying to follow the rules at a new place while I felt it all out. I said that all he really needed to have done, was to assure me his kid was an excellent swimmer, tell me he could see him from the window and that he didn't expect me to watch him. Maybe even smile and introduce himself and his son to me so that it didn't feel like some dead beat dad was sending his unwanted child to the pool to get him out of his hair. I told him that I was a former lifeguard and that in actuality he could trust that his kid was exceedingly safe with me around and I would be happy to be an adult presence if the circumstances were friendly.

I left the pool with his apology not only for himself but for all the other Asshats I had encountered, and I sort of felt better. Sort of. I guess I'm now 1 for 4. But am I completely MENTAL or living in some kind of alternate universe from the rest of the world? Do people just automatically respond to polite requests with rudeness and profanity if it is a request that happens to inconvenience them in their self absorbed little lives? Should I just put blinders on and ignore the dog shit I wipe from my two-year-old's white Dora the Explorer sandals? Should I stand quietly and let an angry old man accost me with foul language just to avoid pissing him off any further? Should I assume responsibility and basically provide free baby sitting to any child sent to the pool alone?

Whenever any altercation occurs in my life, i always try to learn from it by reviewing the conversation in my head and mentally editing my responses to alter the outcome. I almost always fall short in one way or another with a poorly chosen word or a meaner-than necessary tone. And these instances were no exception. I could have changed a few things I said in order to feel better about my role in the conflict. However, I can honestly say that the only way to have changed the outcomes of each of these instances for the better, would have been to not say anything at all. I should have ignored the dog owner and silently hoped she felt a sense of civil duty to clean up after her dog now that someone lives here. I should have repeated my apology to the fat man, gotten in my car and driven away. And apparently I should have just kept my mouth shut and watched the 10 year old while I was at the pool. That's what most people would have done. Why can't I just be like everyone else, and avoid the unpleasant issues of living in a community of other people by complaining about them to the management who will do exactly NOTHING and go on living my merry little conflict free life?

I need a drink.

Stereotyped (thanks a LOT Diesel)

It blows my mind how, in today's (supposed) climate of open minded acceptance and tolerance, not to mention the massive amounts of information available at the literal click of a button, that there are still intelligent people out there with preconceived stereotypes about a group of people as harmless and unobtrusive as Vegans.  

A few things I would like to make perfectly clear about Vegans:

1. We are not all fanatical PETA members judging you for buying a purebred German Shepherd rather than adopting a mutt from your local pound. And although the whole baby seal thing is kinda sad and sick, it is not on the top of my concern list. The rapid expansion of The Collective American Ass IS, however of major concern to me, as it is to everyone who hates ugly people.

EXHIBIT A

2. We do not ALL expect the non-vegans around us to accommodate our dietary choices through special restaurant trips, special dish preparation or anything else that would annoy you. If you like us as a HUMAN enough that you would like us to join you for lunch, it would be easier on us to choose a place at which we can eat more than iceberg and lemon wedges. However, I frequently go sit and suck lemons with my friends just to enjoy their company, and eat when I get home. No big deal. Relationships are about compromise.

3. We do not all eat weird shit, like PEAT MOSS AND TREE BARK, DIESEL! Granted there are a few things that are lesser known to Americans that are real life-savers for Vegans, like seitan, a basic asian dish made from wheat gluten flour that is so meat-like (you can use it just like meat in anything, from BBQ to lasagna and everything in between) I always serve it to omnivores when they come over to try to help them feel like they are eating something they consider "normal." (Yes I am that sweet) But as a rule, you can think of what I eat as being a plate full of side dishes. The SAME side dishes you eat. Including french fries and pasta. I eat Italian and Mexican and Chinese, I eat sandwiches and burritos and chili and burgers. Sure, they are made of some sort of veggie matter rather than ground up unidentifiable animal parts (any guess as to how many eyeballs the average pack of hamburger contains?) I eat cake and pie and cookies and ice cream, the only difference is that they don't contain hormone-laden bovine mammary secretions or the single-celled reproductive secretions of birds. But they are every bit as deliciously sweet and unhealthy as the omni version! 

EXHIBIT B

EXHIBIT C

And lets be honest, isn't it equally obnoxious when someone refuses to eat carbs of ANY KIND and want to pick the restaurants based on how good the grilled chicken salad is?

4. The shift to a Vegan lifestyle is not something we can all do the day we decide to to Veg. Personally, my husband and I were given a car as a gift when his mother got a new one. Our car has leather seats. Not only is this a pain in my ass literally since we live in Houston and do not have a garage, but it is also a choice I would not make, and in direct opposition to my dietary and lifestyle  choices. HOWEVER, we are starving musicians who can't afford to run out and make our entire collection of possessions reflect our preferences. We take what we can and are grateful that we don't have to ride the non-existent public transportation system here. Don't be so quick to judge, any lifestyle change is a process. You don't expect new parents to have every little thing they require for child rearing (thus Baby Showers were invented), but after a few years when tyke-number-two comes along, they usually have it all and don't have to "make do" with the ancient hand me down crap someone's sister-in-law has been saving for the next baby in her dusty attic for 10 years. 

5. And finally, I have never, EVER, EVER heard of any normal person photographing their "pooh" [sic] and posting it on the internet. (Oh wait, there was this ONE guy) This odd behavior is not related to any Vegan practices I have ever heard of, and I can say with confidence that most Vegans would not only be equally grossed out by this, but would join me in the morbid curiosity of asking: "Why? Dear GOD in heaven! WHY?!?!?!" 

One last word to the negative angry folks (JINKSY) out there routing for Vegans to "convert back either from weakness or health reasons." I can only assume that your desire to see others fail at anything they attempt be it a Vegan lifestyle or otherwise, is due to a deep seated self-loathing related to an inability to successfully accomplish your own goals. The fact is that the Vegan lifestyle, when properly led will only create a resoundingly healthy human, bolstering the  immune system, and literally turning off many serious diseases including diabetes, osteoporosis, and even cancer (Read The China Study by T. Colin Campbell). There are plenty of  Junk Food Vegans out there who will of course suffer from malnutrition thanks to their ill-informed ideas about diet and their belief that potato chips and coke do in fact a meal make, propagated by the current fast food culture in which we are drowning (and dying). But to gleefully rejoice in their failure is perhaps the most unkind statement I have read in some time. Granted, I avoid negative drooling cretans like you as a rule, but I am heartbroken for your apparent lack of sympathy and love for your fellow man. That said, I can only respond in a language you will perhaps understand: Go f@ck yourself a&#h@le. (Sorry, Mom.)

Peace!

**links to other bloggers due to comments posted on a recent mattresspolice.com blog that referenced the fact that one of my all time favorite bloggers "hates vegans." Consider me stung to the core.